Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

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20 Reasons I Shouldn’t Like Him , But Do Anyway

April 8, 2010

I have a long history of dating guys that I probably have no business dating. I mean dont get me wrong, I have dated some awesome guys, but I have had my share of total dickheads. So recently I have been thinking about the reasons I may constantly be attracted to the wrong kinds of men.  I started really thinking about the last man I dated and the good and bad things about him and this is what I came up with 🙂

1. You seem very  intimidating to people who don’t know you.
This makes some women  disinclined to flirt with you, thus minimizing my competition.


2. You pee on plants. In fact, you pee on a great many places that are not the toilet and do so with a complete and total lack of modesty.
At least you are mostly house-trained, as you do not usually pee on carpets, or in bed.

3.Ex-girlfriends and other such women call you with implied or expressed offers to perform/receive sexual favors.
Yes, but who are you in bed with when they call? Ha-ha, bitches!

4. You make spur-of-the-moment decisions to commit pranks of questionable legal and moral integrity.
Spontaneity adds excitement to life.

5. Women are constantly vying for your attention.
At the end of the day, you are going home with me. I repeat: ha-ha, bitches!

6. Women are constantly vying for your attention (this happens a lot, hence the repetition).
You will do anything for a deserving woman. Females instinctively sense this. I can’t fault them for recognizing my good fortune.

7. You get really drunk, quite often.
I get laid. Plus, in your inebriated state you can go for hours.

8. Really drunk.
I can ply you with questions about all the things you won’t tell me sober.

9. Really, really, drunk.
Well, it’s better than other things you could choose to use as an emotional salve for your past transgressions.

10. You warned me in advance that you are an asshole, thinking this excuses you from asinine behavior since it is my own fault if I hang out with an admitted asshole.
You don’t try to hide who you are.

11.You unashamedly tell me stories of past incidences involving gross bodily functions.
I work very hard to forget these stories. Ignorance is bliss.

12. If I look fat or  crazy in something , you will tell me.
But if I look gorgeous, you will also tell me. And I can believe you, since you feel no societal obligation to pander to my ego.

13. You are a conceited, egomaniacal, and think you are a sex god.
You are multitalented, attractive, and fantastic in bed.

14. You would never vote for a woman president.
If I wanted to be president, you wouldn’t try and stop me (though you still wouldn’t vote for me).

15. You dislike commitments and similar obligations.

But your very dislike indicates that you take them seriously, and once made, you will never renege on your commitment.

16. You are a “connoisseur of women”.
How do I not benefit from your many years of practice?

17. You have some amazingly misguided thought processes at times.
You are an original thinker.

18. You must be in control of all things at all times.
Said control being demonstrated with blatant displays of chivalry.

19. I think you like making women cry.
Sometimes I like to cry, and have a hard time doing so without inspiration.

20. You talk about all the elaborate, amazing, romantic things that you have done for other girls, but have yet to attempt such romance towards me.
You are just biding your time for the perfect moment, right? Right?

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Lets Take A Moment To Define Casual Sex

December 26, 2009

Far be of it for me to intrude upon our illicit activities in life (I am indulging too, there’s no need to get uptight now, is there?), but after a few fucked up experiences in my (and all of our) effort to find a warm, willing someone to touch our soft parts, I find a need.

Only us over educated and neurotic assholes can fuck up something simple as casual sex, and all over definitions. So, as a public service, here follows the definitions of some (some is key here) of the sexual liaisons available to the discerning urbanite:

Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point – fucking. Lots of it. Usually in one session – thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. Sex With No Strings means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can’t sleep over (and cuddle rape me no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn’t have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.

Guys, there are manners. You do not ejaculate, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, a bit of small talk costs you nothing and might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status. Also, this is one you DO NOT call later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is one that is “use once, throw away”. Unless it’s so good, you have to go back…I’m told that usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum…then it’s upgrade time.

Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he’s not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don’t talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You fuck, they leave. Simple.

Booty Call: This is someone you’ve Sexed With No Strings, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or he is, and you work together. Or you both are. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who’s dating someone else, and it’s the first year, dreads these. We all know who they are. We have ours.

Guys and Gals – these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you’re putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they’re like in bed, they’re acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable “surprises” at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try Sex With No Strings first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.

Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It’s about sex – lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in a Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they’re allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. “Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he’s one of THOSE.” You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it’s time to split up, for now. They’re the one person who won’t get upset if you say “I met someone…” because they did, too.

Guys and gals, warning -these relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it’s time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you’re BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.

However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the relationships where fetishes, fantasies, and pure unadulterated hedonism occur, and it’s expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she’s not ready to deal with. This is the time he’ll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it’s a mark of honor that he’s comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, vanilla ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with Sex With No Strings, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.

Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, and respect them. You’ve both worked hard.

Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings – and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word “friends”. These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See “When Harry Met Sally”. This is someone you’d probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you’re not sure how you feel.

OR

It’s someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it’ll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.

This is one where friendship needs to be present first – a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it’s just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship – one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.

Of most of the women I know, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfriend. If he’s already a friend that means you don’t want to date him, or you’re not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don’t admit it up front, it won’t go well. Don’t dupe a guy – they hate that. Don’t lie.  Asking for a Friends With Benefits screams one thing in my opinion; someone who cannot be honest about what they’re looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels.

Guys: This is trouble for you, for that “friend” word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she’s weepy, and you have to listen. That means you’re NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may even occurred to her that you really like her, which is why you’re friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don’t know her and adore her already, but as just friends – they’ll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won’t be having sex all the time, you’re friends, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she’s sick, driving her when her car is in the shop…you know the drill. If any of this irks you, you’re not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you’re doing, or negotiate for a different status.

So that’s all for now everyone. Please be clear with people from the beginning as to what you want, chances are there are PLENTY of “someones” to fill your every & I mean every need – however you need to be honest and get your terms right. If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend don’t agree to be anyone’s Friend With Benefits, be honest with the other person. Don’t agree to a night of Sex With No Strings if your going to call her 10 times the next day asking her where she is and who she’s with. It truly is a waste of time & energy but further more your wasting time in which you could be fucking.

Hello Kiity Slut

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Dear Booty Call (An Open Letter)

December 3, 2009

Dear Booty Call:

We have an animal attraction. If I happen to want some good sex, I’ll call you. Sometimes you’re free, sometimes not. Sometimes

Batteries Included

you call me. Sometimes I’m free, sometimes I’m not. You are good in bed; we are good in bed together. The only irritating thing in this otherwise perfect arrangement is that big fat ego of yours. While you have made it clear that you do not want a relationship, you reeeeealllly don’t seem to buy the fact that I’m not emotionally attached to you. You are puzzled that I don’t call you more often, and even more shocked when I don’t want to spend the whole night together. Get over it. A few reasons why this is:

1. I CONSIDER YOU A PIECE OF MEAT. Know how you just want to fuck? Yep, that’s right…I just want to fuck too. I know you think you are god’s gift and the smartest person alive, but you are not. The bonus of a booty call? Less talking. More fucking.

2. Personally, I don’t really like you. You aren’t that interesting, or very nice. You are good looking and have good *assets*. Perfect for what I need you for. Done deal.

3. I like my space. I like it better with only me in it.

4. My bed is fucking awesome, and I don’t like to share. Especially with someone who snores, steals the covers, and sweats profusely. Don’t get me wrong – a little sleep sweat is fine. Enough sweat to cover us both AND make me think you pissed on the sheets? Not acceptable. Please exit the premises when activities have come to a full and complete stop.

FYI – If I wanted a relationship, I would stop sleeping with you and find someone I can actually tolerate outside of the bedroom.

Sincerely,

Your fuck buddy
Denise