20 Reasons I Shouldn’t Like Him , But Do Anyway

April 8, 2010

I have a long history of dating guys that I probably have no business dating. I mean dont get me wrong, I have dated some awesome guys, but I have had my share of total dickheads. So recently I have been thinking about the reasons I may constantly be attracted to the wrong kinds of men.  I started really thinking about the last man I dated and the good and bad things about him and this is what I came up with 🙂

1. You seem very  intimidating to people who don’t know you.
This makes some women  disinclined to flirt with you, thus minimizing my competition.

2. You pee on plants. In fact, you pee on a great many places that are not the toilet and do so with a complete and total lack of modesty.
At least you are mostly house-trained, as you do not usually pee on carpets, or in bed.

3.Ex-girlfriends and other such women call you with implied or expressed offers to perform/receive sexual favors.
Yes, but who are you in bed with when they call? Ha-ha, bitches!

4. You make spur-of-the-moment decisions to commit pranks of questionable legal and moral integrity.
Spontaneity adds excitement to life.

5. Women are constantly vying for your attention.
At the end of the day, you are going home with me. I repeat: ha-ha, bitches!

6. Women are constantly vying for your attention (this happens a lot, hence the repetition).
You will do anything for a deserving woman. Females instinctively sense this. I can’t fault them for recognizing my good fortune.

7. You get really drunk, quite often.
I get laid. Plus, in your inebriated state you can go for hours.

8. Really drunk.
I can ply you with questions about all the things you won’t tell me sober.

9. Really, really, drunk.
Well, it’s better than other things you could choose to use as an emotional salve for your past transgressions.

10. You warned me in advance that you are an asshole, thinking this excuses you from asinine behavior since it is my own fault if I hang out with an admitted asshole.
You don’t try to hide who you are.

11.You unashamedly tell me stories of past incidences involving gross bodily functions.
I work very hard to forget these stories. Ignorance is bliss.

12. If I look fat or  crazy in something , you will tell me.
But if I look gorgeous, you will also tell me. And I can believe you, since you feel no societal obligation to pander to my ego.

13. You are a conceited, egomaniacal, and think you are a sex god.
You are multitalented, attractive, and fantastic in bed.

14. You would never vote for a woman president.
If I wanted to be president, you wouldn’t try and stop me (though you still wouldn’t vote for me).

15. You dislike commitments and similar obligations.

But your very dislike indicates that you take them seriously, and once made, you will never renege on your commitment.

16. You are a “connoisseur of women”.
How do I not benefit from your many years of practice?

17. You have some amazingly misguided thought processes at times.
You are an original thinker.

18. You must be in control of all things at all times.
Said control being demonstrated with blatant displays of chivalry.

19. I think you like making women cry.
Sometimes I like to cry, and have a hard time doing so without inspiration.

20. You talk about all the elaborate, amazing, romantic things that you have done for other girls, but have yet to attempt such romance towards me.
You are just biding your time for the perfect moment, right? Right?


Long Time No See……..

April 6, 2010

Hey All,

I know, I know its been a while. I have been busy with day to day life & have been neglecting my blog. Worry not though. I have decided to make a conscious effort to post SOMETHING at least twice a month.

I also want to take a moment to tell you all about a new endeavor I recently (yesterday LoL) began. Its called Denise’s Kitchen. You can find it here. It is basically a food blog. I will talk about food and all food related topics. So please, if you have some free time check it out!!

Denise aka Hello Kiity Slut


10 Weird Things About Me

January 22, 2010

Trust me when I say I have a toy for EVERY occasion

1. I want to have sex with a transexual. I don’t know why but its like my two favorite things at once…titties & dick. How could I go wrong? I likely will never do this though, as I’m afraid of diseases.

2. I love first dates. I hate every other date after that.
3. I laugh when bad things happen to me because I figure its the most high messing with me. Spill a cup of coffee on myself, I giggle. Bust my ass in public, I dissolve in laughter. I’m sure I look nuts.
4. I don’t wear underwear and I have a shitty short-term memory. I usually keep panties in my purse, in case I have to try on jeans. Unfortunately those panties always seem to be discovered at inopportune times, like when the check comes at dinner. There are now way too many people who’ve unintentionally & undeservedly see my panties.
5. I wear flip-flops with everything–even in the winter. Im honestly waiting for What Not To Wear to ambush me.
6. I love my own breast so much that sometimes when I’m in traffic I feel myself up.
7. I once paid a friends power bill. She had a 6-year old daughter and I couldn’t bear the kid being in the dark & cold. A week later, mine was turned off because I’d forgot to pay my own. I forget to pay my  electric bill, so now I give them a lot of money when I pay so I have credit.
8. I once had sex with someone old enough to be my dad. GROSS. But he wasn’t as old as my dad, thank god.
9. I can not say heroin & authenticate. I don’t know why, I have tried many times. My mouth & brain just don’t connect for these words.
10. I likely have over $1000 worth of sex toys & porn (see pic). Some A lot of them I bought myself. A few of them were gifts. Nonetheless I have used them all at least once.

To The Woman Seated In 17A On Flight 1837 From Salt Lake City

December 31, 2009

Dear Ma’am

Let me first say you were so, so nice. I’m not taking that away from you. You asked me about my book and where I was going, and I replied though I am ashamed to say I could not look you in the eye because I was so CRAZY PISSED.

A typical plane seat in economy class is approximately 19 inches. Breaking down my 8.2-hour  journey, I paid approximately $162 for those 19 inches. By my most modest calculations, you owe me $37.70 for the four inches of comfort and privacy you robbed me of. Let’s round that figure up to $40 for that spot where your massive thigh was rubbing against me the whole one hour flight. Add another $5 (again modest) for our shared armrest having to be up because you could not fit in the seat when it was down. If I wanted to put my seat back, I had to pretend like it wasn’t embarrassing for you (yes, i was concerned about your feelings, too) for me to ask you to lean forward so I could pull out the armrest a little and push in my button.

I by no means hate fat people.Hell Im a fluffy girl myself. I believe in the freedom to do or eat anything you want so long as it does not infringe on my freedom. This is purely a matter of financial injustice.

I’m just saying that if you need two seats, pay for two seats. Don’t hate on the moderately fluffy girl who paid just as much, if not more, for those precious 19 inches of limited plane space.

If you’re out there, please mail $45.43 $45.00 to me (i’ll pay for the stamp–it’s only fair).

Hello Kitty Slut


Lets Take A Moment To Define Casual Sex

December 26, 2009

Far be of it for me to intrude upon our illicit activities in life (I am indulging too, there’s no need to get uptight now, is there?), but after a few fucked up experiences in my (and all of our) effort to find a warm, willing someone to touch our soft parts, I find a need.

Only us over educated and neurotic assholes can fuck up something simple as casual sex, and all over definitions. So, as a public service, here follows the definitions of some (some is key here) of the sexual liaisons available to the discerning urbanite:

Sex With No Strings. Pretty simple, and to the point – fucking. Lots of it. Usually in one session – thus, no strings. In other words, no expectations of future humping, unless a new relationship is negotiated. Sex With No Strings means I will not a call you later, I will not meet your parents, and no, you can’t sleep over (and cuddle rape me no less). This is the traditional One Night Stand, folks, it just doesn’t have to start in a bar, nor do you need to be drunk.

Guys, there are manners. You do not ejaculate, and instantly ask when the next bus runs outside, a bit of small talk costs you nothing and might reward you with an upgrade to fuck buddy status. Also, this is one you DO NOT call later, drunk, horny, and confused. This is one that is “use once, throw away”. Unless it’s so good, you have to go back…I’m told that usually you can decide this 30 seconds after you cum…then it’s upgrade time.

Gals. This is NOT A RELATIONSHIP. STOP telling your girlfriends about the awesome guy you met last night, he’s not calling you again. Yes, he used you. You used him right back. Enjoy the power. These are hook ups you don’t talk about, nor do you take them around to meet your pals for drinks the next day. You fuck, they leave. Simple.

Booty Call: This is someone you’ve Sexed With No Strings, or dated. Maybe you were married. Or he is, and you work together. Or you both are. This is someone you can call anytime, day or night, and chances are, you will get laid. You have one or two of these, right? Everyone does. Anyone who’s dating someone else, and it’s the first year, dreads these. We all know who they are. We have ours.

Guys and Gals – these happen FROM previous relationships. Stop asking for them, you’re putting the horse before the cart. One of the important things here is, A., you know calling them is okay, and vice versa, and B., you know what they’re like in bed, they’re acceptable to you, and there will be no uncomfortable “surprises” at the door if they come over. Slow it down, Speed Racer, and try Sex With No Strings first. And finally, these are the super, super secret ones. Nobody ever knows. Ever. If you tell your current girlfriend/boyfriend, you destroy the relationship AND the bootycall.

Fuck Buddy. These are the fun ones, and the most dangerous. It’s about sex – lots of it, and all the time. After work, before work, all weekend, in a Tahoe on a ski weekend (fireplace sex is the BEST), and they’re allowed to stay over. Can be ongoing, like a booty call, and will be dusted off between relationships. “Funny, I never met HIM the 3 years we dated? Oh, he’s one of THOSE.” You might even date, go out, show each other off, but once things get personal, you both know it’s time to split up, for now. They’re the one person who won’t get upset if you say “I met someone…” because they did, too.

Guys and gals, warning -these relationships are treacherous. They CAN and do sometimes get real, and the other person rarely agrees it’s time to start sharing the bureau and bathroom. Be open, honest, and make sure you’re BOTH on the same page, and the kingdom is yours.

However, for the meek at heart, beware. These are the relationships where fetishes, fantasies, and pure unadulterated hedonism occur, and it’s expected. This is the time for her to try drinking the blood from a wound on your lower belly while she jerks you off, because those bloody vampire movies turn her on in a way she’s not ready to deal with. This is the time he’ll be into trying threesomes, or more. Do not be offended if he wants to share you, you are his favorite toy, and it’s a mark of honor that he’s comfy with it. Indulge. But if they rock your polite, vanilla ideas of what sex is a little too hard, be aware you are in far, far over your head, and you need to back off and either date (foolish exercise that it is) or dabble with Sex With No Strings, so you can at least escape his/her chamber of horrors.

Yes folks, this is the one where you get your stories. Love them, live them, and respect them. You’ve both worked hard.

Friends With Benefits. Yes, that one. Okay, some blunt truth. Women tend to abuse this one to try and trap a guy into a relationship, and guys generally confuse this with Fuck Buddy, Booty Call, and Sex With No Strings – and generally all in one night. Guys, these are going to be tough for you, for one reason: the word “friends”. These relationships have a very good shot of turning into a real relationship. See “When Harry Met Sally”. This is someone you’d probably be dating, anyway, and the only difference is no sex. Adding sex can be tricky, as it moves the relationship into a grey area, of where you’re not sure how you feel.


It’s someone you trust utterly, who can share this intimacy with you without freaking out on you, and it’ll be your shared secret, one that means something. Yes, guys, sex can be meaningful.

This is one where friendship needs to be present first – a strong friendship that can survive the rocky shore of sexual relations. If your friendship is rocky, chaotic, inconstant, and does not have solid communication skills on both sides, mutual trust and respect, it’s just a bad idea to begin with, and it will kill your friendship – one that you generally want to cling to, as they count for far more than fleeting sex.

Of most of the women I know, very few of them could handle it, and were confusing the intimacy of friendship with something else. Gals: this is a bad way to find a boyfriend. If he’s already a friend that means you don’t want to date him, or you’re not sure. Make up your mind before plunging in. If you have any feelings for him, and don’t admit it up front, it won’t go well. Don’t dupe a guy – they hate that. Don’t lie.  Asking for a Friends With Benefits screams one thing in my opinion; someone who cannot be honest about what they’re looking for, and is using his/her sexuality, or the lure of it, to bypass the hard work of actually meeting someone, getting to know them, and actually relating to them on various levels.

Guys: This is trouble for you, for that “friend” word. Yes, it means you have to be a friend, and all that implies. That means she CAN in fact call you when she’s weepy, and you have to listen. That means you’re NICE to her, and do nice things for her. It may even occurred to her that you really like her, which is why you’re friends with her. This is one you introduce to your family, if they don’t know her and adore her already, but as just friends – they’ll understand later if that changes. It also means that you won’t be having sex all the time, you’re friends, remember? That means doing things with her, like going to the store with her, getting her medicine and soup when she’s sick, driving her when her car is in the shop…you know the drill. If any of this irks you, you’re not being honest about her, and you need to figure out what you’re doing, or negotiate for a different status.

So that’s all for now everyone. Please be clear with people from the beginning as to what you want, chances are there are PLENTY of “someones” to fill your every & I mean every need – however you need to be honest and get your terms right. If you want a boyfriend/girlfriend don’t agree to be anyone’s Friend With Benefits, be honest with the other person. Don’t agree to a night of Sex With No Strings if your going to call her 10 times the next day asking her where she is and who she’s with. It truly is a waste of time & energy but further more your wasting time in which you could be fucking.

Hello Kiity Slut


Reasons To Never Ask A Hello Kitty Slut Random Questions

December 11, 2009
As some of you may or may not know  I own a cat named Pheobe . This is something that happened to me when I was minding my business on an otherwise slutty day.
I was buying a large bag of Iams at Target and standing in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a cat.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Iams Diet again although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV’s in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Iams nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I’d ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I’d been sitting in the street licking my twat and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Stupid bitch…why else would I buy cat food??
I just dont understand people sometimes

Hello Kitty Slut


Common Myths About Being A Hello Kitty Slut

December 10, 2009
Being the Hello Kitty Slut that I am I am often confronted with peoples ignorance of what a slut is exactly. Lets examine it shall we. I have been calling myself Hello Kitty Slut for a few years and have had both male and female friends question why I would refer to myself as a “slut” of any kind. To answer them I usually just spew off the definition of a slut and then ask them had they ever actually met me? This is the point at which one of three things happens. They either
  • Leave the situation alone
  • Ask for a handjob under the table ☚(my personal fave!!!)
  • Start telling me all the reasons it is sooooo wrong to be a slut in their opinions
I have been listening to these ‘opinions’ for years and have decided to go ahead and kill some common myths now.
Myth: Sluts have no respect for themselves.
Fact: I have plenty of respect for myself. I have sex with multiple partners because I enjoy sex, and I don’t like being tied down to one guy for too long. I enjoy my freedom. I’m sure this will change at some point. My biological clock will start ticking, and I’ll start thinking more about the future. At some point, I will start thinking more seriously about wanting to spend my life with someone. But for now, I’m young and enjoying myself. And I’d have to say that I have a lot more respect for myself than the girls who stay chaste simply because they’re afraid of being labeled by men. I have enough respect for myself to accept and embrace my needs.
Myth: All sluts are crawling with disease.
Fact: While many sluts probably are crawling with disease, those of us with any intelligence whatsoever are really careful. I have NO STDs. I always use a condom for sex. I get tested often, and I can safely say that I have never contracted an STD.
Myth: A slut will fuck anyone. Especially you.
Fact: I can get just about any guy I want. That means that I can and do have high standards. If I fucked every guy who wanted me, I’d have no time for work, eating, or sleep. Even if I had sex 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I still wouldn’t be able to fulfill all the guys who want me. So, as you can see, I won’t fuck you just because you have a penis. My standards are too high for that.
Myth: Anyone who doesn’t want to be a woman from the 50’s who gets off doing laundry and making dinner and being a slave for her big strong husband hates men and is a lesbian.
Fact: Obviously I don’t hate men. If I hated men, I wouldn’t fuck them. The last time I checked, slavery was abolished in 1865 with the 13th Amendment. While many women are content to spend their lives cooking and cleaning, I need more than that. That doesn’t mean that I don’t respect these women for being able to live in their lifestyle, and I certainly don’t think less of them for it, it’s not the lifestyle I would choose for myself, or one I could tolerate. And I will NEVER get myself into a relationship where the man is in charge and I’m just along for the ride. Nor will I get myself into a relationship where my man has no balls and smiles meekly at everything I say. When I find the man who I can settle down with, we will have an equal relationship. I don’t want a tyrant or a push-over. I want a man.
Myth: Any woman who wants a man to treat her like a woman instead of like shit is a needy bitch who is just after the man’s money.
Fact: How would you feel if your date showed up with dirty, baggy clothes on, smelled from not having showered for too long, ate with her hands, and talked about herself the entire night? You probably wouldn’t want to go on a second date. We put in effort to look our best on dates. We put in effort to make the guy feel special. In return, we expect to be treated decently. Trust me, if you act like a gentleman, your chance of getting that second date increases exponentially. It’s not that we’re needy, it’s just that we like to feel appreciated, just like everyone else.
Myth: Sluts are just trying to steal my man.
Fact: I am not a homewrecker. I think it’s horrible when girls go out of their way to get a guy just because he’s married. I mentioned earlier that I could get just about any guy I wanted. I don’t want any man who has a significant other. I’m just not interested.
Myth: Women are all whores, men are all bastards.
Fact: There are plenty of non-whores out there for you non-bastards.
Myth: No man will ever want a serious relationship with me or any other slut.
Fact: I have been in serious relationships before. What I realized was that I wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment. There are men now who want a relationship with me, but I’m honest with them and tell them that a serious commitment is not what I want at this time in my life.
Myth: Deep down, every lesbian wants dick.
Fact: Deep down, every lesbian wants pussy. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be lesbian. That’s sort of the definition of a lesbian; wanting to fuck women instead of guys. If she wants dick, then she’s bi; not lesbian.
I hope you now have a better understanding of me 🙂
Hello Kitty Slut